What I Learned From: (500) Days of Summer...

...Just Because She Likes The Same Bizzaro Crap I Do Doesn't Mean She's My Soul Mate.



To be perfectly blunt, I have little to no experience on relationships with women.

Sure, I've had experience/success/moments with women (that I can't fully go into detail here as I'm aware that my parents read anything I write--let's just say I've gotten by up to this point.) But I rarely have been able to experience the.......oh, I don't know

Honestly, I just spent the last 5 minutes or so trying to figure out how to describe what makes a relationship. But I wouldn't know, as I haven't experienced it in full bloom. The best I could do to define it is by going into detail from what I've seen from movies or TV shows. (Ironically, I guess would be ideal for this blog, right?) And you know what? That's exactly what I just caught myself almost doing. I was ready to type out some variation of Robin William's amazing monologue from "Good Will Hunting." Instead, how about you just click the link and let Robin tell you what exactly what I've missed out on. I'll wait for you to finish watching...

Finished? Good. (After watching that clip, it's no surprise that Williams won an Oscar for his performance, right?)

Now, I hope I don't come off as someone who's hoping that a tiny violin will start playing for me. Because I'm fine with where I'm at in life. It's honestly okay for me. After all, I'm only 24 years old. Heck, I just recently got to the point where I'm frustrated with shaving every day...I'm now just realizing that my back can sometimes inexplicably start hurting...And I just finished my first year of having a full time career. Needless to say, I've got a lot of life ahead of me and a lot more "justs" in my future.

What I'm trying to say is that I've still got a lot to experience, but I have plenty of time to do so. And while I may not know exactly what to do to get myself to be in that ideal relationship that Robin Williams describes, thanks to "(500) Days of Summer," I've at least learned one thing NOT to do.

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At the time of this posting, I understand that "(500)" is still an extremely new movie to most of you. In fact it's only showing at one of multiple theaters in my hometown of Omaha. (Here you go, Omahans, Find a night this week to go see it if you haven't done so already.) Luckily, "indie movies" like this one are easy to find in a town like Austin, TX, where it's cooler to show movies like this than it is to show Transformers II: Return of the Loud Explosions...so I've already been able to see this movie twice.

It's important you get a little bit of a background for this movie before I continue. So before you read on, if you haven't seen "(500) Days of Summer," make sure you at least watch the above trailer. Go ahead, I'll wait again.

Did you seriously watch it? Good.

I don't mean to get into hyperbole-mode, but I believe this movie is going to be the best showcasing of young modern relationships for the early 21st century. For those who have more relationship experience than me, once you see the movie, feel free to chime in and let me know if I'm dead on with that prediction or not. Right now, it's between this movie and its bizzaro counterpart: "He's Just Not That Into You." (Which is more obvious after you've seen 500 days..Also in the running, "I Love You, Man"...but that movie is for another post...)

Without giving up too much about the movie, Tom Hansen (Joseph Gordon Levitt, sans Girly Hair) is only 11 days in after meeting his crush, Summer (Zooey Deschanel, best known as William Miller's Sister), and he's telling his younger sister how much he likes her. Why is he so infatuated with her, you ask? For one, as the trailer shows, she's a fan of The Smiths. And secondly, he proudly boasts how they were able to maintain a legitimate 20 minute conversation about Bananafish (which I found out is a nod to author JD Salinger's A Perfect Day for Bananafish...yes, the same JD Salinger who wrote my favorite book "Catcher in the Rye," go figure...)

And that's it. Nothing else.

To which his sister wisely reponds, "Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn't mean she's your soul mate."

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How often I've made that mistake in the past; believed that because a girl shares a similar interest to myself that she is the one for me. This, of course, then overshadows the 15 or so other things that we DON'T have in common, but it's easy to forget those things when you both love "Friends," right? After all, how many people in the United States actually like "Friends?!?" (Oh, at least this many...)

And then that one thing is what defines my crush. Everything else I learn about the person after that initial common thread is just a supporting character in the act of "love at first interest." This mistake of assumption has led to two difference scenarios:

1. She turns out to be not interested in me. But I maintain that eventually she'll see the light, because after all, we both like Pizza! With Pepperoni, no less! What are the odds?! Soon she'll understand, I just have to keep at it until she comes around. (The crush fades as she keeps in contact less than she used to, and as I see less and less (resulting into thinking about her less and less) eventually I forget what exactly it was what I liked about her in the first place. Once the memory of "Pizza" is forgotten, it's like taking out a crucial Jenga piece...the Crush Tower falls down)

2. I turn out not to be interested in her. We can only have conversations about Pizza for so long until we get into discussion about the things that I forgot were really important to me (i.e. Religion, life philosophies, the Nebraska Cornhuskers, etc.) Eventually, I zoom out from just focusing on that one thing, and the bigger picture is not a pretty one. I then start the act of losing contact quickly.

Clearly, I can't avoid either of the two scenarios by choice. I can't make someone like me nor can I make myself like someone I'm just not interested in. However, I CAN choose to avoid falling in too deep, too soon.

So thanks to (500) Days of Summer, I'm going to change my ways, I'm going to change my mindset, I'm not going to fall for someone just because we have a similar interest or two.

From now on, I'm going to wait until we have THREE things in common!

Lesson learned...

Epilogue(?): Clearly, this is not the last post you'll be reading about (500) Days of Summer. See the movie, or get left behind. :-)

What I Learned From: Dumb and Dumber....

... I Will Never Own A Motorcycle



There are 2 reasons why I started with Dumb and Dumber. (i) It's my favorite movie and (ii) There are at least 15 more things I've learned from the Most Underrated Road Trip Movie (i.e. Don't forget to pay your gas bill, don't trust old people with your "bare essentials", and don't forget to wear a bullet proof mask.) I'll likely come back to this movie in the future; multiple times. So I might as well start with it.

Now, despite Harry Dunn's belief that Lloyd Christmas "Totally Redeems" himself after trading in the Shaggin' Wagon for a Motor Scooter, it's clear to the audience that Lloyd has made a huge mistake. (Although, admittedly, when I was 11 or so, I asked my dad what was so stupid about trading in a vehicle for another that had much better gas mileage. Apparently my Grandpa's gene of "thriftiness" was in my DNA way before common sense was.)

There are obviously many things wrong with Lloyd switching from a van to a motor scooter: 2 guys, 1 motor scooter...almost as bad as 2 girls, one cup; driving in Aspen without a heater is about as smart as walking into the Pike Frat House without a can of mace; and of course, on a scooter there's no place to put beer bottles full of urine.

But the most obvious reason for me comes from the scene immediately following the clip from above. As the two try to figure out what to do now that they've arrived in Aspen, Harry asks Lloyd if he wants to get something to eat. But Lloyd isn't hungry...Why? Because he swallowed too many June Bugs. This is why I can't ever own a motorcycle.

I'm petrified of bugs. I'm not scared of them like women are of spiders that are 10 feet away. (Sorry, women, but 90% of you are scared of them even if they're 20 feet away...I apologize in advance to the 10% that aren't scared.) I'm only scared of bugs right when they clutch their prickly legs onto my skin. I just keep think they're going to crawl into my skin like that bug device that got implanted into Neo from The Matrix.

So the last thing I want in life is to ride a motorcycle and have the constant threat of bugs flying into my mouth like they did for poor Lloyd Christmas. Can you think of anything more unappealing than consuming 10 of these? I think only porn stars can say "yes" to that question, right?

"But Will, that's why they have Motorcycle Helmets," you say. That may be true. But people get motorcycles for one reason, and one reason only: To look cool. And if cool guys like James Dean, The Fonz, and Benjamin Button didn't wear helmets when riding a bike, then why would I? Ya, that's what I thought.

Thanks to Dumb and Dumber, I got my first lesson on why Motorcycles are overrated. Sure, you might get 70 miles to a gallon, but you'll also get 70 bugs to your digestive system. No thanks.

Lesson Learned.