What I Learned From: Dumb and Dumber....

... I Will Never Own A Motorcycle



There are 2 reasons why I started with Dumb and Dumber. (i) It's my favorite movie and (ii) There are at least 15 more things I've learned from the Most Underrated Road Trip Movie (i.e. Don't forget to pay your gas bill, don't trust old people with your "bare essentials", and don't forget to wear a bullet proof mask.) I'll likely come back to this movie in the future; multiple times. So I might as well start with it.

Now, despite Harry Dunn's belief that Lloyd Christmas "Totally Redeems" himself after trading in the Shaggin' Wagon for a Motor Scooter, it's clear to the audience that Lloyd has made a huge mistake. (Although, admittedly, when I was 11 or so, I asked my dad what was so stupid about trading in a vehicle for another that had much better gas mileage. Apparently my Grandpa's gene of "thriftiness" was in my DNA way before common sense was.)

There are obviously many things wrong with Lloyd switching from a van to a motor scooter: 2 guys, 1 motor scooter...almost as bad as 2 girls, one cup; driving in Aspen without a heater is about as smart as walking into the Pike Frat House without a can of mace; and of course, on a scooter there's no place to put beer bottles full of urine.

But the most obvious reason for me comes from the scene immediately following the clip from above. As the two try to figure out what to do now that they've arrived in Aspen, Harry asks Lloyd if he wants to get something to eat. But Lloyd isn't hungry...Why? Because he swallowed too many June Bugs. This is why I can't ever own a motorcycle.

I'm petrified of bugs. I'm not scared of them like women are of spiders that are 10 feet away. (Sorry, women, but 90% of you are scared of them even if they're 20 feet away...I apologize in advance to the 10% that aren't scared.) I'm only scared of bugs right when they clutch their prickly legs onto my skin. I just keep think they're going to crawl into my skin like that bug device that got implanted into Neo from The Matrix.

So the last thing I want in life is to ride a motorcycle and have the constant threat of bugs flying into my mouth like they did for poor Lloyd Christmas. Can you think of anything more unappealing than consuming 10 of these? I think only porn stars can say "yes" to that question, right?

"But Will, that's why they have Motorcycle Helmets," you say. That may be true. But people get motorcycles for one reason, and one reason only: To look cool. And if cool guys like James Dean, The Fonz, and Benjamin Button didn't wear helmets when riding a bike, then why would I? Ya, that's what I thought.

Thanks to Dumb and Dumber, I got my first lesson on why Motorcycles are overrated. Sure, you might get 70 miles to a gallon, but you'll also get 70 bugs to your digestive system. No thanks.

Lesson Learned.